Why your dating life sucks - even though you’re a wonderful person.

I call him my “Handsome Client.”

Because he is exactly that: drop dead gorgeous, movie star-level handsome.

Not just handsome, but he’s also a genuinely great guy. Friendly. Caring. Funny. One of my favorite, long-time Tarot clients, for sure. He’s been visiting me for years, dropping an email periodically to set up a session and ask a few questions.

His #1 question? It might surprise you:

“I really want to meet someone and have a deep, amazing relationship. But it’s just not happening. Why isn’t anyone interested in dating me?”

Bizarre, right?

Based on everything I just described, this guy seems like he ought to be 100%, Grade-A date-able. He should be getting pummeled with romantic advances! Yet clearly, something isn’t working for him. But what? And why?

As a professional Tarot card reader who’s been shufflin’ cards for close to 30 years, I’ve encountered every type of client—and every type of dating/love/romance dilemma—that you could possibly imagine.

I can tell you for darn sure: many, many people find themselves in Handsome Client’s exact predicament: you’re totally desirable, yet it feels like nobody wants to date you, or you can’t ever meet the right person, or keep the right person, and you can’t figure out why. It’s a very common conundrum—and a painful one.

If that’s your situation right now—if you feel like you’re a big, walking can of anti-romance repellant spray—here are some words of encouragement and advice for you straight out of my father’s mouth: “there is a lid for every pot.”

My father didn’t settle down until late in life. Like “Handsome Client,” he just couldn’t seem to find a relationship that “clicked.” Until he met my mother.

Sometimes it’s like that: it just takes time for the right person to arrive.

But other times – there may be reasons why your dating life seems to be going nowhere fast. Believe me, after years sitting at the tarot table, I’ve seen and heard it all.

If it feels like your dating life has hit a wall, it might be because……

You are ignoring red flags. If you see something alarming about a potential partner and choose to overlook it (“he showed up drunk and vomited on our first date but he’s so cute”), you’re setting yourself up for a romantic disaster. This is one of the biggest issues I see with my tarot clients. They get an obvious clue that the person is not partner-worthy but go ahead anyway. Never, ever brush off your instincts.

You say you want one thing, but you’re doing the opposite. One of my dearest clients says she wants a long-term relationship with a good woman but her behavior doesn’t match up. Instead, she’s constantly hooking up for late-night booty calls with exes and ghosting decent women who might be great bets for stable relationships. Her words never match her actions.

You’re letting emotional shit block you. For example, if you’re afraid of being hurt, you might not let anyone get close to you. If you’ve got emotional baggage getting in the way, you may want to seek help for that. As I like to say: don’t punish potential partners with your past.

You’re acting crazy – without intending to. A client told me about the time he showed up unannounced at a new romantic interest’s job to take her out for lunch. The problem? They had only gone on one date a few days earlier. He thought this gesture would show interest. She got creeped out. There was no second date. Another client of mine likes to get rip-roaring wasted, which often leads to icky sexual behavior and outrageous public stunts. She thought she was the life of the party but her dates didn’t think so.

You’re overthinking everything/questioning something that is good. If you’re in your head too much, you’re not in your heart. While it’s wise to think carefully before getting serious with someone, overthinking to the point where you cannot even get in touch with how you feel is a surefire way to prevent your romantic life from moving forward.

You’re trying to move way too fast. (“Need babies NOW!!”) Nothing turns off a potential partner quicker than an aggressive attitude. I once watched an episode of The Bachelor where a contestant was pushing the baby question…on the first meeting. It was super-uncomfortable to watch. Needless to say, she didn’t stick around long. That level of pressure can scare folks.

You’re putting out a desperate vibe. Desperation is not a good look on you, boo. It’s a huge turn-off for the good ones and a big signal that the wrong ones are looking for. Never lead with your need.

You’re jumping into the sack too soon. Sometimes the sexual chemistry is off the charts and shit happens. (Been there myself, yo.) But if you have a habit of getting it on before vetting your partner, you shouldn’t be surprised if this leads to a path of disappointment. I am in total agreement with Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger, on this one: “no sex until monogamy.” Why? It’s better to make sure you have some real compatibility before hopping into bed – especially if you claim that a relationship is what you want.

You’re treating dating like a chore instead of the fun journey it is. My daughter was guilty of this one. Instead of enjoying herself, she was approaching dating like a job – and not having a good time at it either. I told her to start acting like she was on a rom-com. Have fun. Look for the humor in situations too. Even if you meet a dud, it might be a source of great stories later on. She lightened up – and met a fabulous guy!

You spend all your time on hook-up apps like Tinder. Alright, here’s where I’m old-fashioned. Although these apps are excellent for helping folks connect, too much time on the let’s-get-laid apps is pretty much sending a signal to the Universe that you’re DTF (down to f*ck) and not much else. Take those apps off your damn phone and go meet people in real life. Have a real conversation!

You don’t know what you want. Do you want a long-term partner? Prefer an artist over a banker? Are you into tall, dark, and handsome – or short, bald, and funny? Get clear on what you’re looking for so you’ll know when to make your move.

You’re hung up on an ex. This is a biggie and often one of the main relationship-blocking problems I see in the cards. If you’re spending all of your time pining for an old flame, you leave no room for a new, excellent partner to enter your life. They are an ex for a reason. Let them go and let someone new have a chance to win your heart.

Your list excludes too many people. While I’m all about being clear on what you want, you need to keep an open mind too. One of my top requirements was that my partner “needed” to be tall. Six foot or higher, please. The man I fell madly in love with is 5’8”. If I would have been so gung-ho on that one piddling requirement, I would have missed out on the best man I’ve ever met. Have a list by all means but don’t be so restrictive that you omit a worthy candidate from the line-up.

You’re not emotionally available. If you guessed that this was Handsome Client’s problem, you guessed correctly. While he claims to want a relationship, he’s not too hot on talking about his feelings or opening up completely. When a woman tries to get close, he starts making excuses or gets cold feet – and acts aloof. This is often a sign of fear of intimacy. If you’re not willing to be vulnerable and open, you cannot expect that you’ll find love. Eventually, good partners get sick of that game. (After suggesting that he see a therapist for years, Handsome Client finally listened to me and began working with one. Yay!)

You’re picking people who are not emotionally available. I have a friend who does just this. She picks men just like Handsome Client and invests a lot of time and energy into trying to “win them over” or “fix them.” If someone is closed off and unwilling to give you their full heart, you’re playing a losing game.

You’re on your phone too much. Cell phones have made modern life uh-may-zing (really helpful for finding the hottest restaurants), but sitting around with your eyes glued to your phone may cause you to miss romantic opportunities right in front of you. Put your damn phone down.

You don’t put in any effort. Lounging on the couch every night in ratty sweats watching Game of Thrones reruns while emptying pints of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream isn’t a smart recipe for finding love. Instead, you must be willing to put yourself out there. Create an online profile, hit the town with your friends, get involved in good causes, attend lectures, go on that blind date your bestie has been trying to fix you up with – you get the picture. Love doesn’t just show up at the door and if it did, do you really want to be answering looking like a hot mess? Come on now!

You spend too much time at work, leaving no time for dating. Ambition is hot but if there is little room on your calendar for romance, that’s not going to wash. No one wants to play second fiddle to your job!

You’re boring. Years ago, I went on a date with a sexy guitarist. I was looking forward to getting to know him better but quickly realized that he was about as exciting as patching plaster. He didn’t have much to say, talked endlessly about some dull guitar stuff that I didn’t give a shit about, and didn’t even ask a thing about me! Even though he wanted a second date, that was our one-and-only. While you don’t have to be an entertainment machine on your dates, try to be interesting. Talk about current events, ask good questions, take your date someplace fun. It’s not that hard!

You’re leading with your sad sack stories. I have a client who happens to be a therapist. She’s been looking for love but every date she goes on turns into a therapy session. The men she’s been meeting spend the entire time unloading about their bitter romantic experiences. Needless to say, those dudes don’t get another chance. Which is a bummer because she’s pretty awesome. But think about it: if you’re showing up and treating your first date like a dumping ground for your problems, you can’t expect things to go well. Ditch the bummer act and find something interesting to bring to the table. (Psst…if you are dealing with some serious mental health issues, you should seek the appropriate health care professional, not your date.)

These are just a few things to consider. Keep in mind, that there can be other reasons too but these are the most common issues that show up at my tarot table.

There’s one other truth to keep in mind. As RuPaul so wisely says: ‘If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?’

via GIPHY

That’s the real secret to finding love: you’ve got to start by loving YOURSELF. When you do that, your attraction vibe multiplies – and you become way more appealing to healthy, decent partners who will treat you the way you want to be treated.

Make self-love your priority and the Universe will help to sort out the rest.

Blessings,

Theresa

PS. Once you’ve found true love, keeping your relationship hot and fulfilling and exciting (throughout all the ups and downs of life) is a whole ‘nother story. We’ll get to that in a future post…

A helpful past post: How to ask the tarot effective questions for your biggest love dilemmas.