The Hit List - The worst advice my mother ever gave me

Daughters often turn to their mothers for advice. Mine calls me all the time for guidance (and gossip). For example, last week, I had to calm her anxiety after a handyman attempted to rip her off with a bullshit claim about lead paint in the house. (He was wrong, as I suspected. I’m good at spotting scams.)

When my mother was alive, we’d talk multiple times a day. Mostly about nonsense such as television shows, the news, politics, or family drama. But on occasion, I’d ask her for advice. When it came to cooking or baking, her wisdom was unmatched. She was a star in the kitchen. But life matters were sometimes another story.

The worst advice she ever gave me came after an incident where my first husband was being particularly awful. I called her in tears and her advice was: “Just do like I do…say nothing.”

I hung up the phone in disgust. Say nothing….is so NOT me.

But saying nothing was part of her married life. She was took that whole “love, honor, and obey” thing to heart. My parents were deeply in love, but my father was not easy to live with. His mercurial temper, usually spurred on by beer, would often mean losing his cool at the dinner table and launching into nasty, verbally abusive rants. My siblings and I bore the brunt of these tirades. She said nothing.

I understand that this was a coping mechanism and things were different back then. She was dependent on him, so shutting up was survival. Many women in her era (she was born in 1935) did the same. But I grew up in a different time, right when the women’s liberation movement was making waves – and noise. In my situation, I wasn’t about to “just say nothing.” Instead, I did the one thing she didn’t want me to do: I left. Life was hard for a while, but in time, it became clear I made the right decision. I remarried to a man who didn’t want a silent partner. He loved my spicy side – and encouraged it.

As much as I loved my mom, I’m happy I didn’t listen to her. Because sometimes mother knows best. And other times…you do.

Theresa

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