The Hit List - Truth tellers and troublemakers

When I was about nine years old, my parents received a set of furniture from my aunt. She purchased a new set and gave us the old one, which was superior to ours. Because she didn’t have children, it was in perfect condition. Needless to say, I was excited to finally have a decent couch to sit on. I told a few neighborhood children about our good fortune – and my parents got sore.

They didn’t want anyone to know we received hand-me-downs. I was supposed to lie. Needless to say, I got in big trouble for telling the truth.

This was not unusual. My parents routinely fibbed. It was no big deal. But it was a big deal to me. I would insist on the truth and get branded a “troublemaker” or a “tattletale.” For a young kid, this was pretty confusing. The truth was bad, but lies were good. Orwellian, eh?

When children grow up in a house like this, they become the same or go against the grain. You can guess which way I went. Other than the time I dressed up like the Easter Bunny and denied it, I practiced strict honesty with my children. To this day, they know they will always get the truth when they come to me. I broke the wheel.

However, a pattern emerged in my life, one that I still struggle with to this day. Someone is dishonest, I call them on it, and I’m the “bad guy.” If I warn others about this individual, I’m labeled a “gossip.” Sometimes, this happens because people get uncomfortable with the truth. Other times, the liar got to them first, and one thing I’ve learned: they are convincing. Which is why few change their ways.

About a decade ago, I had a brief working relationship with a pathological liar. I caught on pretty quickly and attempted to quietly extricate myself. Unfortunately, the situation blew up. When I confronted this person, they continued to lie, make excuses, and play victim. I burnt the bridge to a crisp.

But they had enablers who didn’t think it was a big deal because he “didn’t do anything to them.” So I burnt those bridges, too. One thing I’ve learned over the years is that liars will continue to lie if they are enabled and mollycoddled. Change is only possible through long-term therapy and consistent behavioral modification.

For the victims of liars, strict boundaries are necessary. You must also be willing to hold their feet to the fire. In other words: you must be the troublemaker. This is not easy, especially if the transgressor is a family member. Calling them out requires courage, but not calling them out only allows the behavior to continue.

Recently, that person I used to work with began showing up in my orbit in strange ways. They’re back but it looks like they might be attempting to go legit. I have my doubts because a few red flags remain. I’d actually be shocked if this leopard changed spots. I never expect much from pathological liars.

So I’ll continue telling the truth, even if it creates discomfort. Because I’d rather be a good troublemaker than a bad peacekeeper.

Theresa

The book Truth and Consequences by Miriam Young had a major impact on me.

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