The Hit List – Subzero Tolerance

Did you ever watch the old television show, “All In The Family”?  It’s a classic.  I actually got to live that every day because my father was exactly like Archie Bunker.

I’m not talking about the physical part (although Dad did look a little like him), I’m talking the attitude: my father was an unapologetic bigot (for the record, he was an “equal opportunity” bigot – he regularly slammed anyone that wasn’t male, white, straight, and Catholic).  I was like “Meathead”, the liberal son in law, who argued with him about his beliefs.  We really got into it sometimes and I can assure you that it was not pretty.  There were a couple legendary tiffs that my children still remember.  I’m ashamed to admit that these blow outs went down in front of them. (Dad and I were both so hell bent on arguing that we didn’t give a damn who was in the room.)

But a funny thing happened as Dad got older and I found myself in his caretaker role: I stopped feeling a need to convert him or change him.  In other words, I became tolerant of his intolerance.  

No, I did not kow-tow to his world view (I can’t stand ANY form of discrimination).  Instead, I came to accept that this was just the way he believed and I didn’t need to shame him into being just like me.

I could simply love him, no matter how I felt about his attitude. 

Dad mellowed a teeny bit near the end.  We ended up with a silent truce – he stopped with his rants and I stopped with mine.  He even watched Flavor of Love with me on the weekends without using derogatory language – this was real progress for him.

This experience taught me a lot about tolerance.  When we think of tolerance, we assume it means that we are open minded and not judgmental.  But here’s the deal: you can be every bit as judgmental while telling someone else that they are.  Being self righteous is all about the ego (“I am right and know so much more than you, lowly peasant.”),  and there can be a tone of hypocrisy lurking underneath that piousness.

I was one of those people: on my high horse, trying to make him feel like he was less than me because I thought his views were ignorant. While I still believe that any form of bigotry is wrong,  I can look back now and realize that pushing my “politically correct” views on him did nothing but promote a climate of anger.  

What would our relationship have been like if I simply stopped trying to convert him to “my way” and accepted him, even if I didn’t like his opinions?  Instead of fighting, we probably would have enjoyed each other more.  My Dad, despite his attitude, was a pretty funny guy and generous to the core.  Yes, you can have terrible opinions but still have redeeming qualities as well.  (Oddly, he sometimes picked up hitchhiking hippies back in the day but I’m saving that for another story.)

My takeaway is that I now work on actively listening to people instead of trying to push my views on them.  Even if someone tries to ram their opinions down my throat, rather than going to war, I hear them out.  This is an interesting practice. 

It’s especially challenging to practice this online, where people (even complete strangers) feel free to attack your point of view – and sometimes in the most hostile way possible.  

But even with that energy out there, I’m listening and working on being kinder and more compassionate.  It doesn’t mean that I am actively seeking to hang out with people that have views that make me uncomfortable (I have strict boundaries), but I don’t feel a need to prove anything or change anyone.  I can hear them out, agree to disagree, thank them for sharing their opinion, and move on my merry way without being a holier-than-thou jerk – or taking it personally.

It’s not an easy path but I hope that by using my ears instead of my mouth, I might just make a better impact on others than I would if I were busy trying to “be right”.

 We have bitter cold temps out side (again), but my cat TaoZen stays cozy in his pillow fort!

Other stuff:

Speaking of intolerance, check out this video: A White Guy and a Black Guy Try to Break Into a Car. We’ve got a long way to go to combat racism, people.  

One of my favorite business blogs is The Middle Finger Project. Ash Ambirge is a real smarty pants – and a wise ass too.  I love this post: Are  You Peeing in the Sea of Sameness?

This story moved me: a pioneer of rap craves 9-5.  

According to some old book, cats can predict the weather.  My cats seem to only predict when I’ll get up and go into the kitchen for treat dispensing.

My cats also want me to invest $35,000 to make my home look like THIS.  

I am in LOVE with this Jonathan Adler purse.  (PS I dig anything with snakes.)

If you dig rap, check out this hilarious video of Brian Williams doing a “cover” of Rapper’s Delight.

The 50 Best Conferences to Attend This Year – my homegirl, Alexandra Franzen, made the list!  Woot!

Apparently, you can use hypnotherapy to get stupider.  I don’t even know what to say about this.

Ever wonder what plutocrats did for entertainment?  This guy crashed a secret Wall Street society party and found out.  Wow.

I just signed up for this new course, The Sacred Alone, from Susannah Conway.  This looks like balm for the soul!

Victoria Prozan, the genius behind my favorite program, Creative Ambrosia, just unleashed her latest awesome course: Design School!  PS it’s FREE – git it git it!

I recently completed and thoroughly enjoyed Write & Sell Your Damn Book, a free ecourse from Paul Jarvis.  The information is useful and smart as all get out.  What are you waiting for?  Sign up already!

11 photos taken with the first Kodak camera.  The prints were round!  COOL. 

What I’m Grateful For:

Kindness for no reason at all

A car with a good heater

Sunshine streaming through my office window right now

Art that takes my breath away

Genuine smiles

Being able to unplug

True Detective

The lessons I learned from my father

Soundtrack for 2/22/14: Far From Any Road by The Handsome Family (I am obsessed with True Detective and I LOVE that they are using one of my favorite bands in the opening credits):

Here’s to a kinder, more tolerant week,

Theresa

© Theresa Reed | The Tarot Lady 2013