The Hit List - The receiving problem

Last week, my husband was in an accident. The results: three broken ribs and a collapsed lung. After a few days in the hospital, he’s home. But due to other situations, this is going to be a long, hard recovery.

All of this falls on my shoulders – just when life has me pinned down with too many obligations. I was scared he would die – and also freaking out about what was ahead for us.

But suddenly, my friends swooped in and I was surrounded with prayers, love, Reiki, gifts, financial support, and homemade muffins. I was overcome with relief and gratitude. I couldn’t believe how blessed I was!

It didn’t take long for another feeling to start rising to the surface: guilt.

For you see, I have a “receiving problem.” When someone does something nice for me, I suddenly feel like I need to do something back. I can’t just sit back and receive. Nope. I must somehow “earn” this kindness. As soon as I found myself entering this mindset, I started going to an even darker place. The whole “I don’t deserve this…there are needier people than me…” blah blah blah.

Old negative stories have a way of returning when things seem to be turning around. It’s similar to what Gaye Hendricks calls “the upper limit problem,” where you subconsciously create problems just as you’re about to rise to a new level in your life. For example, you get the deal of a lifetime and suddenly find yourself coming down with a cold or getting into major drama with your adult child. Instead of celebrating a win, you’re dragging yourself down to a level where you feel uncomfortable but you’re comfortable in that zone. In other words, it’s self-sabotage.

This is something I’ve experienced in my life many times. But no time has this ever come up as strongly as those moments where people have shown me extreme kindness when I desperately needed it. If there was ever a time to banish those old stories, this is it.

So back I go to dig in and root them out. I need to release these so the people who love me can enjoy helping me, much as I love doing the same for them. If I cannot allow my friends to be there when I need them the most, there is no happy ending for that story.

I’m ever so grateful for every kindness shown to me – and I must remember it’s okay to be on the receiving end of this love. I will not push it away. Instead, I’ll trust that when it’s time for me to give back, it will happen in the right spirit – and that is the spirit of love, not guilt.

I’m getting to the root of my problem.

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