The Hit List - Helping the helpers

From early on, I was self-sufficient. If I needed something, I knew I’d have to rely on myself to get it, especially when it came to my emotional needs. My family of origin wasn’t great at that – plus, I got assigned the ‘caretaker’ role early on, so other people’s needs always came first.

Asking for help? Not easy for me. Partly because I am used to doing it myself – but also, there is a fear that if I request help, I won’t get it.

This is an old story – and one that I’m humbly learning to release.

A few months ago, I hired an assistant to take care of my inbox. It had become an overwhelming trap, filled to the brim with requests I couldn’t fulfill (or didn’t want to), followed by guilt trips when I said no. My assistant has taken control, handled every email like a kindly gatekeeper, and created space so I can do the work I need to do, which is writing.

The past few weeks, the snow has been brutal. Last year, I tried to manage the shoveling on my own, after my regular helpers vanished into thin air (probably off to college – or sick of shoveling!). My son sent his guy over – and told me I’m covered. You cannot imagine the relief this has given me (and my poor, tweaky back!).

And yesterday, I was at the pharmacy picking up medication when we encountered a tech snafu that raised the price up to a shocking level. I was gobsmacked (my insurance doesn’t offer much in the way of prescription coverage). In fact, I felt like crying. The kind pharmacist told me that she would look into it and get back to me – and my daughter asked if I needed help. (I don’t.) Part of me felt humiliated to quibble over this money in front of my kid like one of those ads on television.

But the other part: grateful. I’m filled with gratitude for the pharmacist and my daughter, for making me feel that they’ve got me.

The little girl inside who is so used to going it alone suddenly felt safe, protected, and like everything is going to be okay. This is much different than the panicky inside tough girl outside mask I’ve worn for so, so long.

It’s okay to need help. It’s also fine to ask for it and accept it. If you feel like you don’t deserve it, I’m here to tell you that you do. Your needs are important – and you should never feel ashamed to ask for what you want, crave, or lack. You might be surprised to discover there are many helping hands available.

I know it’s hard for the helpers to hear this or believe it. But from one stoic caregiver to another, help is there.

Happy Lunar New Year of the Ox!

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