The Hit List - The (grown) kids are alright

Yesterday, I took a walk with my children. The weather still had a nip to it but it was sunny enough for us. We’re hardy like that. We talked about my daughter’s upcoming nuptials, my son’s love life, and politics. You know…the usual things you talk about with grown kids.

While this may not seem like a special thing, I know many parents who are not as lucky as I am. They have strained relationships with their children – or they don’t talk at all. Sometimes for years…or ever.

My relationship with my parents was complicated for many reasons, more than I care to go into here. Even though there was love, the tension was always lingering under the pleasantries. This was due to a lack of trust – and I would probably say this is a major problem in many people’s relationships with their adult children.

As the saying goes: it takes a lifetime to build trust and only a moment to destroy it. The parental-child relationship must be constructed on a strong foundation of trust – and that means lots of listening, accepting your children for who they are (even if you don’t like their choices), and a willingness to admit when you’re wrong. Throw in plenty of apologies and you’ve got a formula for strong, lasting bonds.

Is it easy? Nope. I’m the first to say I had to work hard to learn to be a good parent. I made countless mistakes early on, which lead to a lot of pain – and more work. I had to unlearn what my parents taught me if I wanted peaceful, healthy relationships with my children.

We still have moments where misunderstandings happen. Often, it’s because I forgot to shut my mouth. My opinions still hold weight and can lead to hurt if I don’t practice a bit of restraint.

Adult kids don’t need the same guidance as little ones. They are not babies (although they still are to me), and they deserve mutual respect instead of patronizing disguised as “advice-giving.” When I remember to keep opinions to myself and let my words be centered around “I love you,” instead of “I told you so,” our relationship will continue to strengthen.

No matter how things stand with your children at this time, it’s rarely too late to turn things around. Please believe that. Start with love – because with love, everything is possible.

Wise words.

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