The Hit List - Finding (safe) community when you’re a highly sensitive person

I’m perfectly happy spending lots of time alone. As a highly sensitive person, I find solitude to be a balm for my soul, especially when the world is too dark and loud. But even though I enjoy my own company, there are times when I crave community. After all, even lone wolves need the pack from time to time.

But how do you find your right “wolves” when you’re a highly sensitive person?

That’s something I’ve been working on for most of my life. Along the way, there have been plenty of missteps and hard lessons. Some packs seemed safe until an aggressive member showed their fangs. I’m a lover, not a fighter, so these incidents made me shy away.

Online groups seemed like a solution, but social media can be another place where highly sensitive folks need to step carefully. Nonstop ads, twisted algorithms, and cynical types make it feel like you’re constantly moving around potential landmines. People wear all sorts of masks online, so it’s hard to determine who is a true friend and who is a foe waiting for their gotcha moment.

It’s too easy to crawl back into your sanctuary and remain an observer when shit like this goes down. But it’s not always healthy to shut out the world. Even shy types need human interaction.

Here are a few tips to help you find community in a safe way if you’re a fellow highly sensitive person:

1. Don’t be afraid to try new things, even if you’re going outside of your comfort zone. The best place to start is by examining your interests and letting them lead the way. For example, if you love tarot (who doesn’t?), seek out fellow tarot fans in your neighborhood or online. Common interests are a great way to begin building community.

2. Look for fellow introverts and highly sensitive types in group settings. You’re more likely to understand each other – and respect boundaries.

3. Take your time getting to know people. Even if you “click” with someone immediately, don’t rush the process. A slow hand will help you determine if this person might be for real or a shit disturber.

4. Be very careful with people who “love bomb.” Sure, it can be exciting to think someone really likes the cut of your jib. But I’ve found if someone comes on too strong, they turn problematic later. Plus, these sorts of folk can be exhausting for introverted types.

5. If you are interacting with people in real life, make sure you have an exit plan. For example, let’s say you’re attending an event such as a conference, which can be an excellent way to meet like-minded folks. If you begin to feel like you’re getting “peopled out,” you might excuse yourself with a scheduled nap time or phone call. (I have learned it’s best not to share a room in these situations so I can have my escape – plus uninterrupted alone time.)

6. Online communities require a lot of vetting. These are often places that get toxic quickly (hence, you’ll rarely see me interacting in a Facebook group). It’s best to observe quietly for a while before diving in.

7. Know when to walk away. For me, I cannot spend a lot of time with cynical types or constant complainers. I avoid those communities like the plague. You might find you don’t like being around “huggers” or loud folks who need a lot of attention. Be aware of your triggers – and get the hell out. You don’t have to explain your exit either. Just go. (Because I’m quiet, most people don’t even notice my absence! Ha!)

Lastly, if you find a community you love, make an effort to strengthen those relationships. Relationships require tending, but it doesn’t need to be 24/7 maintenance, which is unhealthy and unrealistic for highly sensitive types. Simple text messages, occasional hangouts, or Zoom meet-ups can build friendships in a healthy, safe way. Do whatever feels comfy and allows you to be your authentic self – just make sure you do something. That way, the people that “get you” will keep a spot in the pack reserved for you.

Theresa

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