The Cure for the Helper Hangover – Boundaries

Does this sound like you?  You’re constantly bailing out that ne’er do well relative only to have them end up with another financial emergency weeks later.  Or you’re playing shrink to that sad sack friend with the compulsive lying/gambling/cheating problem and have yet to see them change their ways.  Or maybe you’re hanging on the phone for hours with that client who is stuck in the same place they were last year (and you’re not getting paid for this time because they “just wanted to ask you your opinion”).

Perhaps you feel sorry for these people.  Maybe, just maybe, you think that somehow with your help/advice/guidance/wisdom/pushing they’ll “get it together” one fine day.

After all, who wouldn’t succeed with a good friend/relative/counselor/coach like you at their side, right?

But it’s not happening.  Every day, it’s the same old schtick and you start to feel as if you are failing this person. So you try harder to “help”.  You put in a lot of precious time because, hey you’re nice like that, right?

And then after a while, you begin to notice something else setting in…..whenever that phone rings…. it’s dread.  Frustration. Anxiety. Burn out.  And worse yet, resentment.

Your time is being wasted.  Your energy – drained.  But yet you just can’t seem to say no.  You are stuck in “helper hell” and it’s beginning to take a toll on you.

I know the feeling.  I’ve been there (sadly, way too many times to count).  It starts off with a perfectly good desire to help (at least that is what I tell myself) and then it begins to go south.  Which leads to me frantically searching for the exit door, trying to run away from this icky “obligatory” vibe.

In the past, I would sometimes take the coward’s route and claim to be “feeling unwell” (which didn’t always work because needy people seem to be uncaring about how you feel when they are fixated on getting their “helper hit”).  It got me off the hook at times but I didn’t feel so good about myself for making lamewad excuses.  At the time, it seemed like the “easy way out”.  (Who doesn’t like easy?)

But it wasn’t easy and after years of this difficult (and not so honorable) dance, I finally I learned the most important lesson in my life: how to set boundaries while remaining helpful and positive.

I’m still working on this lesson and it may be a lifetime before I master it.  But I found that with some simple techniques and self inquiry, I’ve gotten better and better – which has actually allowed me to become a more effective (and saner) helper.

First thing to do is some contemplation on your “big why”. Why do you feel that you need to help the person who is making the request?  Is it because you really want to – or because you feel guilty?  (No one can make you feel guilty without your permission.)  Is it because you “owe” them?  Is there a deeper motive such as a desire to feel needed (that’s my biggie) or perhaps a need to control?  Is it “your job” (people in helping professions often struggle with boundaries)?  Look within and get very clear on what is driving you.

Next, when someone makes a request, notice your triggers.  We all have different emotions and scenarios that reel us in to potentially unhealthy situations.  For example, do you give in to tears?  Or how about threats (if you don’t help me, I might…..)?  If you bring awareness to your “motivating trigger” you may be more likely to keep yourself in check before you tumble down the helper rabbit hole.

Now, bring awareness to the “discomfort” vibration that alerts you that the situation may not be healthy for you.  For example, I do not do well with “Debbie Downers”.  As soon as any of my helping situations start to devolve into that direction, I know I’m in trouble.  That’s my cue to get the hell out before I drag myself down.  What emotion or energy alerts you? Anger?  Impatience?  A physical sensation such as feeling sick to your stomach?  Become familiar with your discomfort zone and don’t ignore it.

Finally, set appropriate boundaries.  For example, you may have to simply say no to the request.  Or you may need to refer the person to a therapist or professional that may be better suited for their needs.  Another strategy is to create a time frame agreement for results – and if you don’t see any in that period, then you may both agree to part ways amicably.  And in the case of a client, you may have to “fire” them.

Here’s a tarot spread to try the next time you have someone asking you for help:

Shuffle your deck concentrating on the situation.  Fan the deck out and pick one card for each question:

1. What do I need to know about this request?
2. What can I expect should I decide to say yes?
3. What is my motive to say yes?
4. How can I best help this person/situation?
5. How can I create a healthy boundary while still remaining helpful?

 

Here is a sample reading using the questions above.  I had a situation with a person who was constantly in trouble because of their dishonesty. Every time they got caught, they would panic, cry to any shoulder they could, vow to change and then….lie some more.  This was a situation that was potentially draining, aggravating and unhealthy – but I am also acutely aware that my trigger is “feeling sorry for someone”.  Knowing that about myself allowed me to be on guard before getting in too deeply.

1. What do I need to know about this request? 2 of Pentacles – in this card, a man is juggling two coins and seems to be unsteady on his feet.  This card made me think that this may be “more than I can handle”.
2. What can I expect should I decide to say yes? Queen of Wands – I’ll need to be insisting on honesty because that seems to be the root of the issue.  The Queen of Wands is a straightforward woman and that card suggests that I may have to apply a bit of “tough love”.
3. What is my motive to say yes?  Justice reversed – ooooh….tricky.  I want to “do the right thing”.  I want to be “fair” and give this person the benefit of the doubt even though I know that this situation is potentially toxic and imbalanced. I’m afraid of being seen as “judgmental” if I say no. This card can also be about deeper karmic issues – wanting believe (and fix) compulsive liars is a theme that has been present in my life before.  It may be time to realize that not everyone can be fixed nor is it my duty to try and do so.
4. How can I best help this person/situation? 5 of Cups – well, this is not a very positive card.  The figure in the card looks depressed.  This indicates that this person’s need to lie is based on deep emotional energy that I may not be able to understand.  It might be best to refer them to a therapist and mind my own karma.
5. How can I create a healthy boundary while still remaining helpful?  2 of Swords – the card here shows a person sitting on a bench, blindfolded as they balance two swords.  This says “do nothing”. Stay out of this.  Shut down your “Lucy Van Pelt” psychiatrist stand and perhaps point them towards counseling.

This reading showed me that in this situation, I would be out of my league.  This one may be best fobbed off to the appropriate professional rather than me trying to play a role I am not suited (or licensed) to play.

If you have a strong urge to help but want to remain objective and effective, it all comes down to healthy boundaries – which reminds me of a story of the man in a well: a man was stuck deep down in a well.  He called out for help.  Another man heard his calls, came to the well and tried everything he could do to help.  Finally, he decided to jump in. And then they were both in the well.

“It’s a slippery slope, Carrie. Without boundaries you never know what might happen.” ~ Miranda (Sex and The City)

Blessings!

Theresa

© Theresa Reed | The Tarot Lady 2012

https://www.thetarotlady.com 

How do you deal with difficult, draining people?  I’d love to hear how you set boundaries – or your results from the tarot reading above – in the comment section below: