How To Declutter Your Personal Life

I used to believe that I had to allow certain people to be in my life even if they affected me negatively.

Perhaps you’ve been there too:

• The relative given to drunken, bigoted tirades every holiday.
• The friend who wanted to constantly bitch about her problems but never once asked how you were doing.
• The client who talked down to you and made you feel like crap.
• The colleague who ripped off your work and stalked your biz but then tried to make you feel like you had a “scarcity mentality” for having the audacity to be upset with their “standard business practices”.
• The online acquaintance who constantly posted crude, offensive jokes.

Yes, once upon a time, I allowed that energy into my life.  I acted like it didn’t bother me when the truth was, any time I dealt with one of these people or witnessed their behavior, I felt drained (especially from the Debbie Downer friend who used me like her personal dumping ground).

Why did I – or do you – put up with this?

For many of us, it comes down to weak boundaries that begin in childhood.  Sometimes, we are admonished if we try to set our own.  We’re made to feel as if we are somehow being “bad” or “rude” for choosing to avoid people who make us uncomfortable.

That conditioning leads us to believe that our feelings are not important and fake politeness is better even if we are hurting/angry/disgusted by an encounter with someone we don’t dig.

At two, I was a precocious little girl and I loved to sing and dance.  I also had a smart mouth.  One of my aunts took a particular fondness to me and one day, despite my protests,  put me on her lap and asked: “are you my girl”?

I looked her right in her beady eyes and said “No – I’m mommy’s girl” and squirmed out of her clutches.  This hurt her feelings and I got in big trouble for that maneuver.  But the truth was simple: I didn’t like her in my grill and I wanted to be far away from her.

The lesson I learned from that encounter: I “had to be nice” no matter what I was feeling and I was not allowed to say no. That  lead to a lifetime of unhealthy alliances and saying yes to people and situations that were wrong for me.

As I got older, a funny thing happened: I stopped giving a rip about “being polite” and began to construct boundaries that allowed me to feel safe and happy. I also began to release the people who were inappropriate, abusive and a drain on my joy.

This decluttering took time (and I’m still working on it) but with each boundary set and every unhealthy relationship released, I felt more secure and free.  I’m defining my world to suit me and carefully choosing who gets to play in it with me.

Decluttering your personal life does not need to be a harsh nor negative ordeal.  It’s actually quite liberating.  The process needs to begin and end with mindfulness and compassion.

Here is what to do:

1. Recognize when a relationship has become toxic for you.  Do you feel drained?  Do you dread seeing their name on your caller ID?  Are you avoiding them as much as possible?  If so, that’s a pretty good sign that something isn’t feeling right.  You need to honor that instinct and listen deeply to your feelings.  Get in your body and pay close attention to how that person makes you feel.  If it’s not healthy, it’s time to set a boundary or release them, depending on the circumstances.
2. Have a  conversation.  I’m a huge fan of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides) by Marshall B. Rosenberg.  Non-violent communication allows you to discuss the issue and set compassionate boundaries.  If the relationship matters to you and feels like it can be salvaged, start here.
3. Once you have set a boundary, stick to your guns. Do not waffle or go back to old routines.  Remember, you are teaching people how you want to be treated.
4. For repeat boundary offenders, you may want to have a three strikes you’re out policy.  There needs to be limits and consequences for boundaries to be effective.
5. If you choose to stop interacting with someone, only allow them back if you feel safe and if they agree to honor your rules.   I had one relative who constantly abused my trust – once I shut them out completely after yet another betrayal, they learned that I was serious and have since done a 180 degree turn.
6. If the relationship is potentially explosive, seek help and get support.  Any threat of physical danger should not be taken lightly.
7. Stop answering the phone.  This has been the single biggest change in my life.  I allow all calls to go to voice mail and then I can choose whether or not I want to communicate with someone.
8. Online relationships need to be treated the same as real life relationships.  Do not put up with disrespectful or abusive behavior.  That means you may have to leave forums, ignore, unfollow, unfriend – and in some cases, block. (I block all shit disturbers from my world.  I don’t allow cruelty, negativity or Catfish to float in my online orbit.)  If you encounter someone that feels “off” or rubs you the wrong way, trust that, no matter how “popular” they seem.
9. Surround yourself with people who are healthy, positive and respectful.  Remember, you are creating your world, on your terms.  Why not make that space as happy, kind and loving as you possibly can?

A special note to parents: if your child feels creeped out by a relative, do not force them to give a hug or have any sort of close physical contact.  Children can learn to be polite but should still have the autonomy to choose to keep physical space if they want to.

Further learning:

Books:

How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty: And Say Yes to More Time, and What Matters Most to You by Patti Breitman and Connie Hatch

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships (Nonviolent Communication Guides) by Marshall B. Rosenberg

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie

Too Nice for Your Own Good: How to Stop Making 9 Self-Sabotaging Mistakes by Duke Robinson

Scripts:

I love Alexandra Franzen’s Five Scripts To Set Yourself FREE (scroll down – it’s the last book in the script series).  This little ebook has some kind and loving ways to say goodbye.

“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” ~ Ann Landers

Blessings!

Theresa

© Theresa Reed | The Tarot Lady 2013

image from stock photography